Big Girls Don't Cry
Why do we love people who drive us crazy? Who hurt us? Who are, in many ways, the completely wrong person for us? Why are some of us magnets for people with hurts, hang-ups and heartaches?
I heard Stacie Orrico's "Stuck on You" and that kinda said it, "I hate you, but I love you, I can't stop thinking of you..." For more than 4 years now I've been in love with someone who has elicited this emotional response from me. The duality of my thinking regarding him frightens and disturbs me, but I can't control it. I guess because I don't hate him as much as I hate the things he says and does. But then, maybe I shouldn't be separating them. After all, God's word says, "As a man thinketh, so is he." You think it, you do it. You do it, you ARE it. So I should hate him, right? Except the Bible also says, "Love your enemies, and pray for those who persecute you." So now I gotta love him? No wonder I'm confused. I'm starting to wonder if I don't love him as much as I have compassion for his tortured soul. But it can't be just pity. Pity wears thin after a while, unless you are so co-dependent you cant tell the difference. I think I used to be that way, but I don't believe it anymore.
I search my own soul for reasons why I love this person so much that I would keep going back to him no matter how many times he hurt me. Aside from the strange fact that I just do, there aren't many reasons why I should. He's selfish, arrogant, vindictive and at times just plain crazy. But he's also funny, caring, sensitive and loving when he wants to be. He was my best friend, my lover, my confidant, he saw me for who I was, loved me for who I was, good and bad. But then he would turn on me and suddenly I was his worst enemy. Maybe he hurt me to push me away, to protect me, because he knew he'd never be what I needed him to be. Or maybe he is just a really bad person that I should be thankful to be rid of. He claims to be bi-polar, now, I'm no doctor. But I tend to be skeptical about blaming someone's behavior on "chemical imbalance" (not that it doesn't happen, no hate mail please) rather than facing up to the fact that we are equipped with the power to make choices and we are responsible for the choices we make.
It's very possible I may never see this person again. He's hurt me a lot, so I should be happy about that, shouldn't I? So....why am I sitting here crying? Why is there an empty hole inside of me that no one else can fill, and who made that hole anyway, me or him? I know I need to be strong, but I don't want to turn into some stone cold bitch who can't cry either. I need to keep feeling, even though feeling is painful, it is strangely not as empty as the cold room of indifference.
I know -- I gotta be a big girl now. I've got to find some peace, serenity, clarity. I've got to live for me, myself, and I for a change -- and for my kids. If I don't grow up, how can they have a chance at growing up? Starting out the new year alone wasn't in the plan, but perhaps it was in God's plan. Maybe now I can begin moving forward, concentrating on being a better me rather than running back to the past that I can't change. Why does change always have to hurt so damn much?
Big girls don't cry, huh? Well, I have a few tears left I need to get rid of. Guess I'll be a big girl tomorrow, but right now, right or wrong...this big girl is crying.
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BIG GIRLS DONT CRY - FERGIE
La Da Da Da Da
The smell of your skin lingers on me now
You're probably on your flight back to your home town
I need some shelter of my own protection baby
To be with myself and Center, Clarity
Peace, Serenity
[CHORUS:]
I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It's personal, myself and I
We've got some straightening out to do
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I've got to get a move on with my life
It's time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry
Don't cry
Don't cry
Don't cry
The path that I'm walking
I must go alone
I must take the baby steps 'til I'm full grown, full grown
Fairytales don't always have a happy ending, do they?
And I foresee the dark ahead if I stay
[CHORUS:]
I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It's personal, myself and I
We've got some straightening out to do
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I've got to get a move on with my life
It's time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry
Like the little school mate in the school yard
We'll play jacks and UNO cards
I'll be your best friend and you'll be mine Valentine
Yes you can hold my hand if you want to
'Cause I want to hold yours too
We'll be playmates and lovers and share our secret worlds
But it's time for me to go home
It's getting late, dark outside
I need to be with myself and Center, Clarity
Peace, Serenity
[CHORUS]
I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It's personal, myself and I
We've got some straightening out to do
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I've got to get a move on with my life
It's time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry
Don't cry
Don't cry
Don't cry
