Castaway

What ravages of spirit
Conjured this temptuous rage
Created you a monster
Broken by the rules of love

    A blue glass bottle washed ashore today.  I found a scroll inside, a hand-written note with penmanship I didn't quite recognize – but it had familiar wit, and I wanted to believe it was you reaching out to me.  But you are too much like Blackbeard --flying your flag long enough to lure me close, then raising your true colors at the last second.  No choice but to surrender, a battle to the end, except I’m the one who lost their head.  I wrote my reply with trembling hands:
        
        Is it really you?  I thought you had forgotten which island I live on.
   
    I sent it back across the waves with peculiar hope. The reply came swift as the sunset:
   
        I’m coming for you.

    So I sheltered the bottle by my side
       
        like the child we’ll never have

and wondered how you learned a new language so quickly.

And fate has led you through it,
you do what you have to do.
And fate has led you through it,
you do what you have to do.

    I waited with relentless optimism in the shade of our favorite palm tree, the one by the pool where we last shared our secrets. The cabana where the sweat and tears of our lightless trysts fell has fallen down itself, along with my faith in us.  I’m not certain I want to rebuild it, regardless of your apparent sincerity.

    In my mind’s eye, I remember your rip-tide pupils -- filled with the aquamarine of the sea.  Looking into them was enough to make me forget
       
        as all lovers do

that each time I opened my eyes under your spell, they filled with saline regret.

And I have the sense to recognize
that I don't know how to let you go.
   
    I saw the light of a ship coming towards me and I flashed a firefly SOS.  Save my soul.  I guided the ship into my safe harbor, anxious to see your face,
       
        forgetting all the times you made me walk the plank.

    I ran to the water’s edge and called your name.  A face peered at me from over the starboard rail, but it was not yours.  The wind stilled in my sails.  I had been given the key to the treasure chest, only to open the lid and find the chest was empty. 

    I could join this new captain’s crewe and be done with promises you never intended to keep, but I could not leave the consolation of my isolation.  I thanked the stranger for attempting a rescue, but declined his offer.  With a sympathetic wave of a sea-worn hand, the stranger sailed off to chase the North Star.

Every moment marked
With apparitions of your soul

    I had been happy in my vagueness.  Now, this brush with your remembrance has left me longing for you even more than before, all of the eros and errors of the past flooded back into that chamber behind my heart that you drained before you left.

    I looked at the note again – did I miss a clue?  Maybe the “X” that marks the spot of my perception of us will be clearer to me now.  I should have known when I saw the words written plainly and boldly in red ink...blood?
   
        I’ve missed you.

    I should have known it couldn't possibly be you who wrote it.  It resonates with too much sincerity.  Yet, I couldn't shake off the shiver that ran up my spine, thinking that you might still think of me -- as if any sailor could remember his past when he's lying under his own mast serving cocktails to the mermaids.

I’m ever swiftly moving
Trying to escape this desire

    I know, I know, I have no right to anticipate a rescue.  What is this fascination I have for loving someone who can’t love me back?  So quick to forget, it was you who marooned me here in the first place.  I must be insane, self-induced heat stroke has me seeing mirages across the waves, because you have made your world a place that I cannot go -- yet I sense you’re calling me back.  I can’t come to you on my own.  I don't have Jesus’ feet, or Moses’ staff.  I need deliverance.

The yearning to be near you
I do what I have to do.
The yearning to be near you
I do what I have to do.

    I have no control over this craving within me just to feel you next to me, to slip my hand into yours, to hold you without condescension.  Desire is a tide drawn by forces outside itself, a moon of anticipation.  You wait for the next phase to tell you when to slide in and shape my shoreline.  You are always on the horizon – like the sun -- you always seem to rise or set too soon.  I know I should be glad for the colors you left behind when you sank into the sea, and for the rainbow of a misty morning through the prism of lust, but all I can think of now is that even my shadow has been stolen from me.  I haven’t seen your face -- other than the faded one in the heart-shaped box of my psyche, or heard your voice -- other than the whisper of your last goodbye.

But I have the sense to recognize
that I don’t know how to let you go.
No, I don’t know how to let you go.

    I am a victim of my own covetousness.  I pledge to make an everlasting memorial to what can never be, so that if you ever come to your senses and seek me out, you will know the truth. I will take a flint and strike it against the entrance to my darkened cave, using the spark to ignite a signal fire should you ever steer your boat in this direction, bound for redemption.  I’ll scrawl my epitaph over the entrance,
   
        I never stopped.

A glowing ember
Burning hot -- Burning slow
Deep within I’m shaken by the violence
of existing for only you

    I’ll blow on the flickering coals with ferocious longing, fan it with angst; fuel it with the last breath of my shame – until the blaze intensifies with every question of your intention and asks for you in snarling, menacing tones, swallowing all hope of discovery, igniting all fear of rejection.  I’ll stoke it with sweet branches of recollection, even though the kindling is wet with tears.  Nothing but smoke remains now, a whisper of unrequited love traipsing through the trees, pungent with the odors of sex and denial.

I know I can’t be with you
I do what I have to do
I know I can’t be with you
I do what I have to do

And I have sense to recognize that
I don’t know how to let you go
I don’t know how to let you go
I don’t know how to let you go

But I do have the sense to know I can, I will, I must let you go.  It is not you I have been holding on to this whole time.  It is the love I hold inside me, that you do not deserve, that is what I cannot let go of.  I must treasure it close to me, put it in a sheltered place inside my cave until that one who knows the missing pieces of my code comes looking for me.

I must let this ship sail away.  I must learn the difference between a siren's wail and a lover's sigh.  I will sit on this shore till he comes, I will trust in the Heavens to send him here. 

Lyrics - Sarah McLachlan "Do What You Have To Do"

Sarah McLachlan - Do What You Have To Do (Mirroball Live)